Edwina Spice - Shakespeare's talkshow host
by Indigo Ziona
Summary: Written long before I read Kitten's wonderful 'Chaos on TV', but a similar idea. Edwina hosts some serious discussion between two sets of Shakespearian characters


The Edwina Spice Show _I didn't make it Jerry Springer because I was vaguely considering on publishing a whole load of these talkshows somewhere or other (to teach people about Shakespeare, naturally). Kitten's wonderful 'Chaos on TV' was just a weird coincidence… Shakespearian Springer is just a parody waiting to happen! Instead I had my own talk show hostess (because I also wanted to perform at some point, and I see myself as an Edwina for some reason *grin*). Enjoy. And apologies for the attempts at accents._ Scene: a typical talk-show with a large audience, a number of chairs laid around and a few heavy security guard types. _There are cheers as Edwina enters, wearing a bright pink suit with a short skirt._ **Edwina**:Hi everyone, I'm Edwina Spice, and welcome to the show. Some people have trouble in marriage - and for some people the real trouble is getting married in the first place. Even when two people love each other, it can sometimes be difficult getting the consent of their elders, who may believe that they know of a better partner for their children. This show is about such problems. _A young couple enters and takes a seat on the stage._ **Edwina**:Meet Hermia and Lysander. They say they are in love, but Hermia's father would rather she married another. Hermia, why is it you object to your father's suggestions? **Hermia**:Well, Lysandy and I have known each other for a while... **Lysander**: Yeah, we really love each other. **Hermia**:And my dad just can't, like, see that he's the one who's right for me. This other guy - Demetrius - keeps pretending he's in love with me. My dad, like, believes that Demetrius is, like, the best husband for me. **Lysander**: Yeah, and Demetrius, he just does not do anything for Hermia. I mean he's a (obscured by beeping) d'ya see what I mean? _The audience cheers._ **Audience**:Ooooooh! **Edwina**:Well shall we meet Demetrius? _The audience cheers._ **Edwina**:Come on out Demetrius! _Demetrius swaggers in from the side, amidst booing. He attempts to kiss Hermia, who avoids it, and casts hostile glances at Lysander._ **Demetrius**: Hi Edwina, nice to be here. **Edwina**:Demetrius, you have been accused by Lysander of not really loving Hermia. **Demetrius**:That is totally untrue. I've loved Hermia for a long time. **Lysander**:That is (beep), you've never done anything for Hermia. What about Helena? **Demetrius**:Helena's not my type... **Lysander**:Oh yeah, that's why you dated for a year. Well I can imagine why she wouldn't love you... _Demetrius gets up, immediately angry and starts to beat up Lysander._ **Edwina**:Hold it, hold it! **Audience**:Ed-dy! Ed-dy! Ed-dy! _The heavies move in and separate the two._ **Edwina**:OK, for better or worse choice, Hermia's father has decided that Demetrius would be a better choice of husband for Hermia. Is that right? **Demetrius**:Yeah, that's right. **Hermia**:Even though he isn't. **Demetrius**:(indignantly) I would die for you. **Hermia**:I wish you would! _She turns her chair completely away from Demetrius's._ **Audience**:Ooooh! **Edwina**:Let's see what Hermia's father has to say about this. _Enter Egeus, a concerned father figure. He gets a chair and pushes it in between Lysander and Hermia._ **Audience**:Boo! **Egeus**:Y'know Edweena, Ah just wanna pro-tayct ma liddle gerl. **Edwina**:But she obviously loves Lysander. **Egeus**:Well, yeeh, but Ah know this young may-an. He comes to her window of a nayt and sings to her. **Audience**:Aaaah! **Edwina**:It sounds very nice. **Egeus**:Yeeh, but it's fer his own sailfish means. He means to sed-juice ma liddle gerl so he can git ma monay. **Lysander**:That is not true! I love Hermia! **Hermia**:Dad, can't you, like, accept that Lysandy loves me? **Egeus**:Edweena, Ah wanna pro-tayct her. **Edwina**:Why do you think that Demetrius would make a better husband? **Egeus**:(Leaning over Hermia to pat Demetrius's arm) Edweena, Ah cayn trust this young may-an. **Hermia**:Dad, Demetrius so does not love me. **Egeus**:Do nart contradeect yir ay-elders, Hermia! What wood yir mamma say? **Hermia**:But Daaaad, he said he, like, loved _Helena._ **Edwina**:Who's Helena? Explain. **Lysander**:Helena's a friend of Hermia, who Demetrius used to date. **Demetrius**:I did _not_! We're just friends! **Edwina**:Let's meet Helena. _A modest looking girl enters amidst cheering. She sits next to Demetrius, who looks fed up._ **Helena**:Hello Edwina. **Edwina**:Hello Helena. You dated Demetrius, is that right? **Helena**:It is, Edwina. **Lysander**:I said she did! What have you got to say to that, Demetrius? **Demetrius**:I said we were just friends! _Demetrius rises for another fight._ **Edwina**:Hold it. Is this true, Helena? **Helena**:(sadly) Yes that is true, Edwina. You see Demetrius no longer finds me beautiful. **Audience**:Aaaah! **Hermia**:Helena, you are, like, as pretty as me! **Helena**:Well that's not what Demetrius thinks. He thinks you are much more beautiful than I am. **Demetrius**:Helena, don't take it personally, but Hermia is one way better chick. **Audience**:Booo! _Helena bursts into tears, and Lysander gets up for another fight, only to be dragged back to his seat by Hermia._ **Edwina**:It seems to me, Helena, that this man isn't worth your while. **Helena**:I know (sniff) I know, but I - just - can't - help it! **Edwina**:Egeus, would you want this man to marry your daughter? **Egeus**:Wah shoodn't Ah? It's play-an he has tay-est! **Audience**:Boo! _Lysander once again gets up for a fight, and is once again pulled back by Hermia._ **Hermia**:Dad, this man is cruel. **Egeus**:Hermia, you need cru-elty, Ah've be-yan more than lax with you. **Hermia**:Dad... **Egeus**:More than lax! You mark ma werds, young lady! **Edwina**:I think it's time to meet our next guests. _The audience cheers as Egeus, Demetrius, Hermia, Lysander and Helena leave, and Romeo and Juliet enter._ **Edwina**:Meet Romeo and Juliet. They love each other despite their family's long-standing feud, and have married without their knowing. **Romeo**:Hi Edwina. **Juliet**:Hi Edwina. **Edwina**:Now you two are from opposing families, correct? **Romeo**:That's right, Edwina. The Montagues and the Capulets have been fighting for years. **Edwina**:Any idea why? **Romeo**:No ma'am. **Juliet**:We think it must be in their blood. **Edwina**:But obviously not in everyone's blood, otherwise you wouldn't have married. **Juliet**:That's right, Edwina. **Edwina**:So who knew about the marriage? **Juliet**:My nurse did. **Edwina**:And no-one else? **Romeo**:That's right. **Edwina**:All right. Let's meet Romeo and Juliet's parents. _Enter Lord and Lady Montague and Lord and Lady Capulet (from separate entrances), amidst cheering. The two lords are immediately hostile_ **Lord Capulet**:Give me my long sword, ho! **Lady Capulet**:A crutch, a crutch! Why call you for a sword? **Lord Capulet**:A sword, I say! Old Montague is come! **Lord Montague**:Thou villain Capulet! And watch it with the 'old'! _The heavies are about to move in, but the respective wives pull their husbands away_ **Lord Montague**:Hold me not! Let me go! **Lady Montague**:Thou shalt not stir one foot to seek a foe! **Edwina**:Wow, we've never had sword fighting before! _The couples sit next to their respective child._ **Edwina**:So, Romeo, Juliet, is there something you'd like to tell your parents? **Juliet**:Mum, Dad, Romeo and I are married! _The Montagues look shocked and Capulet prepares himself for action._ **Lord Capulet**:Why you little... ! You're going to marry Paris! Out, you baggage! Out, you (obscured by beeping)! **Lord Montague**:Romeo, what have you... _Giving up the abuse through their children, the parents get up and have a catfight._ **Audience**:Ed-dy! Ed-dy! Ed-dy! _The heavies once again separate them._ **Edwina**:Let's meet Romeo's best friend, Mercutio. _Enter Mercutio, with the usual cheering. Romeo moves along to allow him to sit between him and Lady Montague._ **Mercutio**:Hi Edwina. **Edwina**:Hi Mercutio. Do you know why you're here? **Mercutio**:I guess it's something to do with Romeo and Juliet. **Juliet**:Yeah, we're married. **Mercutio**:Oh that doesn't surprise me. _The audience laughs_ **Mercutio**:Well Romeo's always out for a babe. I mean he's pretty hot stuff. And he couldn't keep himself off Juliet at that masked ball. _The Montagues stare at each other in horror, and Capulet rises to give Romeo what he deserves._ **Lady Capulet**:Well it just goes to show, you should have listened to Tybalt. He said that boy was trouble. **Lord Capulet**:I'm not going to stop a ball just for one measly Montague gate-crasher. **Lord Montague**:You went to a ball at the Capulets! How many times, young man, have I told you not to go near them! **Romeo**:It's not my fault, I was in love with Rosalyn. _They all gasp, especially Juliet._ **Romeo**:Well, Benvolio put me up to it. He said to go to the masked ball and see if I could find anyone more beautiful than her. And I did. Juliet hangs upon the cheek of the night like a rich jewel in Ethiop's ear! I didn't know real love until I saw her. _Juliet looks pleased._ **Lord Capulet**:I wish I had let Tybalt destroy you! **Edwina**:Who is this Tybalt? **Lord Capulet**:Juliet's cousin. A man with far more honour than Romeo. **Edwina**:Why does he hate Romeo? **Lord Capulet**:Isn't it obvious? **Edwina**:Let's ask him. _The audience cheers, and Tybalt enters. He aggressively takes a seat beside his uncle._ **Edwina**:Hello Tybalt. **Tybalt**:Hi Edwina. **Edwina**: Do you know Romeo? **Tybalt**: I do. He's an evil Montague! I hate him! _Tybalt arises to 'beat the crap out of Romeo' so to speak. Romeo protests._ **Romeo**:I never did anything to you! I don't have anything against you! **Mercutio**:Leave my best friend alone! _Mercutio and Tybalt fight, with swords. Before the heavies can reach them, Tybalt stabs Mercutio. Romeo arises, shocked._ **Romeo**:What have you done? **Edwina**:Erm, we've never had a death before either. _Romeo grabs Mercutio's sword and kills Tybalt._ **Edwina**:I don't think we'll be allowing swords in future. **Lord Capulet**:You killed my nephew! _Romeo runs off._ **Juliet**:Well I still love him and I never liked Tybalt anyway. And Mercutio was cute. And there is no way you can reverse our marriage! **Lord Capulet**:We'll have it anulled! Come on! _He grabs Juliet and they march off. Lady Capulet follows, and the Montagues shrug, and walk in the other direction. Cut to end scene. Hermia and Helena sit in the middle, next to each other. Egeus sits next to Hermia and Lysander and Demetrius stand behind, casting each other hostile glances. The Montagues sit on one side (minus Romeo) and the Capulets sit on the other, with Juliet kneeling on the floor looking miserable. People in the audience ask questions._ **PIA-1**:This is for the girl on the right. **Edwina**:Juliet? **PIA-1**:That's right. Isn't it a bit shallow to love a man who killed someone? **Juliet**:(screaming indignantly) He would never have done it if Tybalt hadn't killed Mercutio. **PIA-1**:Even so... **Juliet**:What do you know about Romeo? I love him! He's a sweet gentle man... **Lord Capulet**:He's a Montague and a murderer! **Lord Montague**:Leave our son alone, Capulet. He may have killed that ferocious nephew of yours... **Edwina**:A pretty strong charge really. **Lady Montague**:Edwina, our son is ready for the cause of justice. **Edwina**:So you don't mind that he married Juliet. _Audience cheers._ **Lady Montague**:I didn't say... **Audience**:Oooooh! **PIA-2**:(pointing to Hermia) I've got a question for her dad. **Edwina**:That's you, Egeus. **PIA-2**:If you want your daughter to be happy, why don't you let her marry who she wants? **Egeus**:Ah wanna pro-tayct her! **PIA-2**:Then why don't you protect her from a man who is obviously a heart breaker? _Egeus tries to shout protests, but Helena drowns him out._ **Helena**:Thank you for agreeing with me! Demetrius broke my heart! I loved him, but he broke my heart. **Egeus**:Thay-at is cuz he larves ma liddle gerl, and not some.... **Hermia**:Dad, like, leave Helena alone. She's, like, done nothing to you. **Audience**:Ed-dy! Ed-dy! **Edwina**:Thank you everyone very much. True love is always hard, but it can be made even harder if your lover is not as dedicated as you are, or if your elders forbid that dedication. As we saw today, some would even kill to stop the course of love. However if you are truly in love, then maybe you will have enough power to break the chains of hatred between families. If you can persevere, then you will finally be accepted, not in spite of your dedication, but because of it. Until next time, take care of each other, and yourselves. Goodnight. _Audience cheers and as the credits roll, the scene cuts to the area back stage._ **Miranda**:Hi Edwina, I'm Miranda, and I just came from a deserted island where they had no TV. You can bet you're my favourite now! **Caesar**:Hey Eddy, I'm Julius Caesar, and I came all the way from Rome just to see you! And you know what? I came even though my wife had a dream I'd get killed if I came. That's how much I love you. I would die to... _He is pulled from the scene, and in the background you can hear him scream "Et tu, Bruté!"_ **Portia**:Hi Eddy, I'm Portia, and I love you so much I disguised myself as a man just to get here! **Bard**:Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?  
Thou art more lovely and more temperate.  
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,  
And summer's lease hath all to short a date. _Cut back to Edwina. In the background, the audience is cheering loudly._ **Edwina**:Next week, we'll have marital strife; Lady Macbeth is pushed out whilst Macbeth murders many, and Othello and Iago; is Othello's wife Desdemona really cheating on him? _Final cheering and end credits._


End file.
